If The Ringtone Fits… (Remix)

It happens all the time.

Douchebag McGee is going on and on about the neverending list of girls he’s slept with and how many fifths of grain alcohol he can chug in a night when — as if the powers that be have had just about enough of his crap — his phone starts blowin’ up to the sound of Nelly Furtado’s “I’m Like A Bird.”

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The simple fact is that the ringtones you choose say everything about who you are. Choose wisely and you will have your friends’ everlasting respect. Choose poorly, and you might as well stamp ‘IDIOT’ to your forehead.

The Whipped Boyfriend

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This guy sits at the bar with his boys without realizing that his girlfriend will call any minute and he has forgotten to put his phone on vibrate. In the blink of an eye, he drops down a couple rungs on the friend ladder when Orleans’ “Still The One” begins eminating from his pocket.

Little do they know, he still harbors painful memories of this song from his childhood but the insistance of his girlfriend left him the sole option of putting it into his phone. Every time she calls, a piece of him dies inside.

The “Beat a Dead Horse” Guy

Having been way overexposed to “A Night at the Roxbury,” this guy has “What Is Love” set for every person in his phone. Every time somebody calls, he chuckles and bobs his head a la Chris Kattan and Will Ferrell despite the fact that none of his friends really ever thought that movie was very funny in the first place.

This guy also relates most everyday conversation to Frank Black standup in one way or another, even though his timid nature and soft facial features completely cancel out the intended effect.

The Metal Lover

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His ringtones are almost always impossible-to-discern tunes like Dethklok’s “Better Metal Snake,” especially when coming through the miniscule speakers of a cell phone.

Such an effect is most likely intended though, seeing as he likes his music good and indiscernable.

The Classical Aficionado

This guy, usually a fourth- or fifth-year music major, is no longer impressed by the sound of a blue-collared man’s music. His lifelong love of music theory leaves him listening to nothing less than symphonic greats like Beethoven’s No. 5 and Mozart’s No. 40.

Unfortunately, his cell phone doesn’t reach a volume that lets him hear the ringtone in most public places and he misses 75% of his calls.